Credit Goes to The_Turbinator, we just had to share this deliciously true categorization of the EDM scene.
Most people go to EDM shows to dance and have a good time with friends…however these sub-species of people go with different motives.
1) “The Grinch” – Nobody really knows why the Grinch attends EDM shows, for the Grinch has a severe allergic reaction to dancing or enjoyment. They can generally be found standing in the crowd, arms crossed, with an ugly frown on their face. Any attempts to communicate with the Grinch will result in a blank stare, and more frowning.
2) “The PTOT” - aka the “Prostitute Toddler” – You’re not sure how these girls got past security at an 18+ show, but you’re positive if you get too close Chris Hanson is going to stage-dive into the crowd with a camera crew to bust you. Living on a strict diet of kandi bracelets, ecstasy tablets, and Vick’s Vaporub, the PTOT is characterized by lack of age-appropriate clothing, dilated pupils, and the assumption that everybody at the show is a drug dealer. Even after breast feeding stops at around age 11, PTOTs continue to live with an oral fixation for most of their lives, and even attract their mates from afar with a ritualistic blinking pacifier. The potential mate responds by offering a lolipop or other sucker-type candy that the two will share while having coitus in the middle of the dancefloor. An interesting statistic is that over 75% of the applicants to MTV’s Teen Mom series actually classfied their race as “PTOT”.
3) “The Zombie” - The Zombie feeds on substances named only by random assortments of letters and numbers, which subsequently leave them without most of their brain function. They can usually be found staring at the nearest bright object without blinking, mouths hanging open, and doing a dance which can be best described as a bad recreation of the original Thriller music video. Occasionallly the Zombie will attempt to speak, not realizing the general crowd population cannot understand their incomprehensible zombie dialect comprised of a series of moans and grunts.
4) “The Crowd Salmon” – Thought to have evolved from the common river salmon, these people are biologically driven to do anything to get to the front of the crowd. Sometimes linking arms with other Crowd Salmons in long chains, they will generally leave a path of carnage and devastation in their wake. Once the Crowd Salmon has reached their front-most “spawn” point, they are crushed against the barricade until near suffocation, requiring rescue from the nearest bouncer to pull them over the barrier. After rescue, they are then returned to the rear of the crowd where they can begin their journey again.
5) “The Bitch” – The Bitch is extremely cool and beautiful. Do not be fooled into thinking they are normal humans, for should you generously offer the Bitch some of your water, gum, or candy, dance too close, or attempt any form of communication, she more than likely will immediately react with a disgusted look and migrate to another spot to exude her bitchy greatness elsewhere.
6) “The SuperDanceBro” - The SuperDanceBro, is generally found at a show shirtless, or wearing a bright colored lacrosse pinny. Traveling in packs, the SuperDanceBro establishes his dominance to his fellow DanceBros by loudly exclaiming how hard they are “rolling face” while fist-pumping wildly in an attempt to attract their nearest female counterpart (see “The Bitch”). Do not dance too close during this mating ritual, for they have been known to sponteously begin “moshing” anybody within a 10 foot radius with little provocation.
7) “The Plower” - The Plower, a close relative of the Crowd Salmon, will do anything to escape the crowd. Thought by some to be the metamorphosis of “The Bitch” after consuming too much alcohol, the population is largely made up of drunk females, usually appearing to be on the brink of falling on their face and vomitting on themselves. Counter to common logic, rather than weaving through open spaces to get out faster, they are naturally prone to running directly into other attendees during their escape. Other skills in their attack arsenal include pushing, shoulder shoving, and knocking $4 water bottles out of people’s hands.
8) “The Cryer” – Originally thought to feed off sadness and the frustration of others, researchers now believe The Cryer is actually fueled almost completely by attention. While first appearing to be a regular show goer, as soon as companions of the Cryer begin to enjoy themselves, they will react by bursting into tears and drawing as much attention to itself as possible until everybody they came with is as miserable as they are before stopping. Studies have suggested the best method for avoiding a Cryer’s happiness draining power is to look them directly in the eye, put one of your hands on their shoulder, and say in a stern, confident voice, “If you don’t stop crying, I am going to tell the bouncer I saw you hiding a large bag of methanphetamines in your ass.” Then promptly walk away.
9) “The Plier” – Still baffling to researchers is the mysterious Plier. A cross-breed of the Plower and the Cryer, the Plier will casually work its way to the front of the crowd before it suddenly bursts into tears. At this moment they will latch on to their nearest friend before barreling towards the back of the venue at full force. If you ever see one of these coming through the crowd, get out of the way! Not only will they run into you with the force of an NFL linebacker while you’re minding your own business without remorse, they leave a toxic trail of bad vibes and behind them.
10) “The Mau5keteer” – The Mau5keteer worships their beloved mouse leader by wearing obnoxiously large homemade mouse heads, and blocking as many people as possible from seeing the lightshow. Mau5keteers can be spotted at any show or festival, regardless if Deadmau5 is actually playing. When unsatisfied with the total blocking radius (TBR) of their head, they will generally lend their head to the nearest (see “PTOT”) and hoist them onto their shoulders to maximize the TBR.
11) “The HumpStar” – The HumpStar’s only dance move is rubbing their body against another HumpStar in a circular motion. They will generally seek out the most inconvenient place to do this, ensuring they are constantly bumping their ass into as many people around them as possible.
12) “The Milk Carton Kid” – The Milk Carton Kid is always looking for their lost friend Molly. They do not actually listen to the music at the show, for they are are so distraught they are unable to have any fun until they find her. Police still have no leads to her whereabouts.
13) Jaded Long-time Raver: Typically seen with a medium sized group of friends hanging off to the side of the crowd. They groove to the beat in a minimalistic style, often having conversations about how these events used to be a lot better a few years ago and typically poking fun at the other 12 types of people. Usually rolling off a high amount of MDMA but not really feeling the effects (“Dude, nothing compared to the Pokeballs a few years ago, this shit is weak as hell”) or more often than not, sober, and making sure to let other people outside of their group know they’re sober and that they don’t need drugs to enjoy the music.